The 80-20 Rule!
Dear Rabbi
I am married several years and I am struggling in my relationship. I feel everything has gone stale between us and we just co-exist, co-parent etc. The passion that was, is no longer. Even the so-called love isn’t there. I am ashamed to admit that when I look around me I see other men, some known to me personally, one or two who I think would make me much happier. Is this in my head, or should I consider a change before life gets ahead of me. Is there even a way we can get back on track?
Gila
Dear Gila
Relationships fall apart because people forget the 80-20 rule. If you’re going to marry someone that has 80 percent of what you’re looking for, that 80 percent when love is high feels like 100 percent. But sometimes there’s a struggle and what happens is that 80 percent is overlooked and all you see then is the 20 percent that they don’t have. And then you suddenly open your eyes to other people and make mental comparisons. They have none of the 80 percent but they have that 20 percent. They have that particular look or that affirmation that you need – and this is when your evil inclination steps in with his big lie – he gets you to give up that 80 percent because of your focus now on the 20 percent that the other person can offer. You end up wrecking your life – you go and lean into that 20 percent and you realise that 20 percent is all that person has to offer. And that relationship never works out. You know why? They were a tactic of the evil inclination to get you to give up what G-d had going so well in your life.
Sounds to me like you need to rediscover that eighty percent and perhaps seek professional help to enable you to do so.
How Big Is Your Imagination?
Dear Rabbi
You’ve probably been asked this before, but, are all the questions you publish, actually real?
Lindy
Dear Lindy
If I had a pound for every time I am asked that question I could retire already. Do you know what kind of imagination would be required to come up with a slew of new questions every week, which I would then have to answer as well? I am not saying I don’t have that kind of imagination, but, the general rule is this: Everything you say to me can and will likely be used. By definition, if you and I are in a conversation and you suddenly ask me something, then my mind will register whether it is a question worthy of public interest. If it is, you can safely assume to see it in print in the following weeks. If it’s of a more personal nature that will usually include a name change as well.
That said, even if I were to make up the questions – as long as there’s an important message for readers to take away then that’s what really matters. I was recently in conversation with someone who is a leading therapist. She told me how she keeps one of my responses discussing confronting challenges on her clipboard alongside other motivational pieces. Surely, for that alone it’s worth it.
Bottom line, I have a backlog of questions that get sent to an allocated email account. Sometimes I receive questions that specifically ask “not for publication,” and I will endeavour to answer those as well. Everyone is welcome to ask whatever they want and you will receive a reply, even if sometimes you might not like get the answer you receive.
Mind & Heart
Dear Rabbi
We are currently in the three weeks of sadness. After that there are seven weeks of comfort. I know three corresponds to our forefathers and seven are the days of the week. I don’t know if there’s any connection. Is there significance to these numbers or as they just arbitrary?
Michael
Dear Michael
In Kabbalah there is a concept of the three intellectual faculties (wisdom, understanding and knowledge).There is also a concept of the seven attributes of the heart (kindness, discipline, etc.). Thus in our context the three weeks of mourning the destruction of the Temple and our continued exiled state correspond to our intellect. The subsequent seven weeks of comfort and yearning for redemption correspond to the seven attributes of the heart.
There’s a wonderful saying, “the heart feels what the head cannot understand.” The Lubavitcher Rebbe once explained: The mind cannot fathom the destruction that took place, nor understand the ongoing turmoil in our exiled world. But the heart can feel hope for the redemption when the Temple will be rebuilt and universal harmony will prevail once more.
